Midterms are over. I couldn’t be more relieved but I fucked up…big time. I choked on my lab exam and my theory exam was NOT what I expected it to be. It’s my own fault. I have not been focused like I should be. I’m constantly seeking out distractions, amusement, etc. I feel………wasted, tired, and weak. Hmmm…
I feel like an empty space in the middle of a big room of bright lights. The lights hurt. I stand regretful and neglectful of my own thoughts and furies. What should I have done? Gone to school in the summer, not dated that one terrible guy, and maybe, possibly stayed in Indianapolis. I’ve lost the ability to focus and I may not ever recover. Maybe I never had it. Or maybe it never repaired itself after last April.

I wait to hold you gently
As the lover in my arms
I need your strength and aggression
But mostly I miss your charm

There’s no one out there like you
This alone, instills the fear in me
Preparing for the day you’ll lose curiosity
I’m gullible with uncertainty

Then theres this fire inside me I know I need to quench
Numbing sensations taunt me restlessly
I sense your presence despite its absence

I crave something your not able to provide
Yet I keep my desires to myself
Afraid to let you know what I really feel
To deny this passion is a blasphemous lie

I’m surrounded by your memories
Although I’m not quite sure what it is
About you that I find so tantalizing
You provoke me yet you torment me
Causing me to be deceptive
Crossing paths, making binds
Causing all my morals to be ejected

I know I’ve been bad and I know I’ll do the time
But now I can’t stop
A new leaf has been turned
An old life cast-out
I don’t like the new me but it’s the hand that I’ve been dealt
Being this licentious can’t be any good for my health

So back to door number one, where I’m sure you wait patiently behind
I want you pretty badly, but baby, your jive ways I can do without

My will is to run vehemently
but my heart has glued me to the ground

One year later and I’m back to where I’m started. That is to say that I’ve achieved nothing mentally nor physically and I remain undecided about most things. I have the same problems, concerns, time consuming miserable thoughts, and last but not least, the same unforgettable feelings to go along with those unforgettable memories. My mother has been dead over a year and still my life feels as though its been torn apart. I still face the same problems with __. Those may never go away despite what I try.

Then there’s the question “Why do I keep trying?” I guess I’m programmed this way. Its not like me to let a feud remain. It makes me uncomfortable but I guess the main thing that bothers me is the idea that I have to keep trying at all. I was the one betrayed, trashed, and taken advantage of. Yea I think that’s it. yet here I am the sitting fool once again feeling like crap.

So here’s my confession: I wish things could go back to how it used to be. Back when I was happy and comfortable even though I might say that I don’t want that. I do want that. I want my friend back. I want him to apologize for everything he did and realize what a fucking idiot he was. But that won't happen. I'm more realistic these days then what I used to be. With that realisticness comes misery.

The thing is that I've been feeling pretty empty lately. Nothing I do matters. My existance on this earth is barely visible with the exception of the space I take up. I am a wallflower and nothing more. I watch life happen from the cornor waiting for an ivitation to join and I...well, just observe I guess. From these observations I have come to the conclusion that no one is happy and everybody lies. I know...not exactly shocking news. The more I watch life the less interested I am to really experience it. To put myself out there. yet as this is titled...I am lonely. I feel like I have nobody most of the time and that is basically true.

I never had the opportunity to find myself. I went straight from childhood to depression to having a child of my own and forgot to look. It’s not like you directions or a manual on that sort of thing. I was the sort of child that hid in books and pretended that I was someone else. Someone more important than myself, someone that mattered and who would go off to live exciting adventures or one day accomplish extraordinary things. It’s like I woke up one day and realized that I may just be an adult. No one warned me this would happen and I never realized that it would happen so fast. I woke up and knew that the child in me was gone…vanished…poof! Now I suddenly have someone else’s childhood and life to worry about and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. It’s hard to be twenty one and not know what you want to be, where you want to be or even IF you want to be…you know whatever. I guess I trailed off point here. This is what happens to an insomniac. Thoughts get jumbled up and you end up with a page full of gibberish that makes no sense to anybody but yourself.